You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.