You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space