You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Meme Monday.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Said the murderer.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.