Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”