“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR