Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
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No, why?

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.