Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey I made you some hotdog water

Pigeon open mic night.

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.