Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Blew my mind.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.