Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.