You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.