Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

That’s fair

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise