therapist: what do you see?
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*
“how’s everything tasting folks”
Millennial1: What’s a Solar Eclipse?
Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.