@Social_Mime

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

You Might Also Like

@pilau

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooOoOo
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
A: NNOOOOOO

@ruinedpicnic

[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid

@murrman5

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

@climaxximus

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@n0tblonde

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

@le_buns

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

@JustDontBugMe

Millennial1: What’s a Solar Eclipse?

Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.