You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.