You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
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People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I triple waxed for this?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now