You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers