Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Wait for it

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.