Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

learning about math 🧐 📝

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.