You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”