You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
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Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
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Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
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She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.