You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
You Might Also Like
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.