Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]

SON: *powdered wig noises*

ME: *nods powderdedly*

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.