You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
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It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“How’s your day going?”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?