You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
it was love at first sight
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.