Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

The real reason evolution started..😂

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.