Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today