You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
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It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
excuse me
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words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”