You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen