You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
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GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.