Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

I need a headline like this

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.