Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…