Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲