You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Yeah. This was me today.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
How actors in movies eat their food
Brother?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*