[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”