@TheTweetOfGod

You call them natural disasters. I call them destructive criticism.

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@ronnui_

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.

@ItsAndyRyan

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

@stonedcoldlazy

Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!

@JediGigi

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

@TheAlexNevil

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England