“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
You Might Also Like
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt