“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
i can’t wait that long
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
long lost
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar