“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
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[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”