You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.