Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Just parrot things

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*