Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.

If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends