“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
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The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?