You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.