You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.