@sweetandsimple6

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

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@DrCephalopod

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@copymama

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

@Sorrowscopes

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

@FlyoverJoel

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

@ceejoyner

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

@ProudFFAalumni

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

@HomeWithPeanut

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.