You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy


Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.


My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.


Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.


The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.


Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.


woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.


Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.