You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Uh oh…
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?