ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku
OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.