@sweetandsimple6

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

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@grammar_c**t

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

@UnFitz

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

@gobmentcheese

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

@PaigeKellerman

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

@3sunzzz

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@Storminika

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

@UncleDuke1969

him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please

@shwebby3

Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term?

Oh… *Tosses tissues in the trash*