You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
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When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.