You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Oh the world we live in…
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Awesome parenting 😂
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.