You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.