“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
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I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Sticker placement is key.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend