You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….