You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
when you order from DoorDastardly
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.