You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble