You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
🙄😏😂🤣
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa