You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.