You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I cannot call her anything else now
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition