You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
This checks out
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude