You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
knights of the ikea table
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.