You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
how high up are we talkin’?
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I put the I in Insufferable.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea