You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I laughed at this way too hard.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities