i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’d rather fork than spoon.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
What my back needs