Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
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Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.