You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.