You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
good morning
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
It was worth a shot 😂
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.