You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
road rage
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
He-man has a Masters degree
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??