Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.