You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
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When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
🤯🤯🤯
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Blew out my flip flop…
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I have never related to a cat more
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
This a good idea
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]