You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
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*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Hit me in the face with a bird
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much