You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Otters see a butterfly.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
asked my bf how work was today
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?