Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

found my next D&D character name

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?