You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing