You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease