Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband: