Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

saw this in a dream

Stick it to the man

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???