Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

I think about this a lot