You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something