You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
this has to be peak English
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.